Why the Movie Serendipity is Kind of a Turd

Internet! Guess what I am doing? Watching a movie! On Boxing Day!  (By the way, Internet, may I wish a Merry Christmas to you and yours!)

What movie?  This one!

How is it, you ask?  Well, I will tell you! It's terrible!  "But why, JJ?  Why is it so bad?" you are probably asking.

Santa Run! 2012!

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Well folks, last weekend.  Santa Run.  Did it.  Thought it would be good to blog about.  In the actual doing of it, not really sure it's worth blogging about.  But hey!  I'm a blogger!  That's what I do! No matter how mundane the topic! Or whatever.

Anyways!  The Santa Run!  2012! Burlington, Ontario! (In which there is not actually a coat factory, because THAT Burlington is in the U.S.!)  How long?  Five kilometres.  The hook?  Everyone running...has to do it in a Santa suit!  That's why it's called "The Santa Run"!  The largest in Canada, so they say. 

Book review? Sorta?

(Note! I started this entry a long time ago, but dang.  I just couldn't get it right.  So it dragged on and on. Now the timing is all weird.  But what are you gonna do?)

Plaid!

Hey!  What's up?  Nice to be back.  Was just hanging out.  Ran a marathon on Sunday.  So a little cripply today.  (Note: in October!)  Well,  a lot cripply, to be honest.  This one was pretty hurty.  So just sitting around today.  Healin'.  Hopesfully anyways.  But that's not either here...nor there!  Or they're, for that matter!  (Sheesh! Started this post at that time...clearly didn't finish same day.  Lazy bum!)

Waterfront Marathon 2012 - A second go!

Where's JJaldo (get it?)? Don't bother looking! I am not in this pic.  I don't think.  I don't even know what year its from! Just found it and pasted it!

Hello!  Hope you are well!  Enough pleasantries!  Let's get down to it, right?  Guess what JJ did this past weekend?  (Hint - see pic above. )  Yes, you guessed right!  His second Waterfront Marathon!  Second year in a row!  Bazinga!

Judas.....Priest!!!!

Well hello Inty!  See that picture?  Know who those guys are?  Yep, it's Judas Priest.  Big in the 80's.  "Screaming for Vengeance"!  The big album!  My brother had it.  On vinyl!  I listened the heck out of that album!  Loved it!  Listened to a couple of the songs the other day....eeeehhhh, not sure it holds up that well.  When they say they are "screaming" for vengeance, they ain't kidding.  Too much for these old ears.

The lead singer of Judas Priest.  Rob Halford.  In 1998, he came out.  As in, he said "yep, I'm gay" (I'm paraphrasing).  Which is awesome.  Glad he did it!  Progress!  But is kind of funny too.  Why is it funny?  Well, I'll tell you.

The first reason it's funny is because I already knew, sorta.  My brother had a friend in the 80's who worked at the arena in Winnipeg during shows, and JP had rolled through.  Apparently this dude had overheard Halford ask some dude if he wanted to "go back to his hotel room and party".  Which really doesn't seem like that big an indicator?  But maybe it was the way he said it?  I dunno.  But this is what he told my bro, and that's what my bro told me (grapevine!).  Later that week, I am in class and I am all like "guess what I heard!?"  I says my peace.  Turn forward in my seat.  This girl in my class comes up behind me and whops me on the back of the head!  For suggesting he was gay!  Well, to her I say "Ha!  Told ya!  In your face!"

And! It's funny to me thinking back that anyone would think he wasn't gay. "He can't be gay, he dresses all in leather! No gay dudes wear leather!" Right?  That's funny, right?

Meh, this post is running out of steam, quick

That's all I got.  JJ out!

Corporate Rowing Challenge - 2002

Cam! Steve! Beata! Chubby JJ!

Well, looky looky!  I was thinking about this photo the other day and, amazingly, was able to find it.

2002.  A young(er) fresh-faced JJ was working in Winnipeg at a fancy-dancy law firm.  A big one!  Classy!  First year of practice!  Registering security interests!  Drafting contracts!  Lots of "hereinafter referred to as BLANK."  Right?  What, you aren't a lawyer, so you don't know?  Well I'll tell you!  Yes!  Lots of that!

Polar Bear Run - 2009

Nice shirt, you say?  I know.  

Well, ole JJ hasn't been doing too many runs lately.  Those chairs aren't going to sit in themselves!  Am I right? But!  He has run some pretty good ones before he started OperationJJ.  So why not talk about one of those?!  While sitting!

Well exactly.  So! The year was 2008.  A young JJ...  Ok, still pretty old JJ...heard from his brother about a mythical run.  It is called the "Polar Bear Run".  It took place in the winter.  In fact it HAD to take place in the winter.  Why?  Because it was across a lake.  Lake Winnipeg, to be exact.  "What's that, JJ?  Lake Winnipeg?  The 12th (or possibly 13th? or 14th?  Every website I look at says different!) largest lake in the entire world?"

A Little More About JJ

Howdy.  Figured while I was talking about being honest in my blog, I should probably talk about one more thing.  Which I think a lot of people reading this already know.  I will give you a hint.  The photo above was taken in my apartment. ("Your apartment!? Whuuut?????" I am sure almost none of the people reading this are saying.)

Anyways, yep.  Status: separated. Since January.  If being unemployed feeds into my posts, well how can being separated not do the same?  Well, it does.  Of course it does.  Unless you ignore it like I have been.  Which makes posts sound incomplete.  So no more.

Which is not to say I am going to write about the separation itself.  No worries. I ain't.  And I am not looking for any sympathy.  But the topic may/will come up when I am talking about me boys.  And I don't want to just leave out anymore.  So yeah.  Separated.  Living in a dinky little one bedroom apt close by the house.

Ok.  That about covers it.  Do you feel better?  I feel better.

JJ outie.

Gotye - Doggie Song

Hi!

Long time no talk!  Is this looong layoff a pattern?  Sheesh, shouldn't I have MORE time to blog now?  What the heck am I doing, if not bloggin', right?

Well, what do I say to that...? I'll tell you what I say!   Whatevs, I been busy!  I swear!  Doin' stuff!  And anyways, time flies, right?

Plus...Inspiration!  Despite trying to take the advice of my defacto writing instructor (Billy Crystal's character from "Throw Momma From the Train") advice into account: "a writer writes, always!" Everything I consider writing sounds stupid and lame and stupid.  Plus it sounds stupid.

But fuck it.  And what the fuck do I know, these ideas could be gold!

So...first..!

Negative Development

Well, got some bad news.  Last week me and a number of other folks were relieved of our positions at the ole' place of employment.  Times are tough in TO, economy-wise.

Wasn't sure how to deal with this info in respect of my little blog-io.  Not looking for sympathy.  And can't really talk about details.  But I wanted to put it in here.  Because obviously it's going to feed into everything that's going on in my life.  And to ignore would be dishonest. 

Which is not to say that I am also not hyper-aware of this becoming "JJ's job search blog!"  I don't want that.  Particularly because of the fact that I am writing in real time, not coming back after there has been some sort of redemptive conclusion.  It may drag on.  And there may be no happy ending.  Which is not to say that I am not hopeful and confident. I am.  But I am a realist.  "Things always work out for the best"  and related sayings are bullshit. Stuff doesn't work out for people all the time.  

My dad was a middle manager at Great West Life when, in the "lets get leaner" 90's, he was shown the early-retirement door.  He tried to get a job.  Set up my sister's old room as his office.  Sent out lots of resumes.  Job search machine.  After a long, search, he got one.  Part-time at the help desk in a building supply store. 

So...if things don't go rosily, I don't want my blog to just be some sort of documentation of rising desperation as my hopefulness and confidence bleeds away.  Ugh.  That's not bringing the yuks! Plus what about the Gabe and E-man!?  I can't ignore those dudes!

I once went to a short  film festival in Winnipeg.  My friend Chris was in one of the short films they showed. 
They also showed a Guy Maddin film where there was some dude banging a fish against a tree.  One of the others was about this author who is trying to get his arty book published.  This publisher guy says to him something along the lines of "that's the thing about sad stories...everybody wants to write one...nobody wants to read one..." I still think that's brilliant.

Anyways, I guess gonna see how things go.  If ultimately things DO go badly, and this becomes exactly what I fear, you can stop reading. Now JJ will understand.  Although I suppose that I can't promise that future bitter and broken JJ may not be a dick about it. 

JJ out.

You made it too easy, Dad!

Video time!

Background!:

Neither of the boys can ride a bike.  At least without training wheels.  E-man's only five, so not that big a deal.  But Gabriel is eight.  Past time.  Two summers ago, he and I tried.  No go.  Last summer he and I tried again.  If anything, it was harder to get him to try last year than the year before.  Not because he was lazy, and not because he doesn't care.  But because he lacked self-confidence. He was scared to try, because he thought he would fail.  I got him to try the only way I knew how: bribed him with Lego.  "If you try 100 times, I will buy you a Lego set."  We almost got it.  It seemed obvious that he could physically do it; he rode at least 20 feet a couple of times.  But in his head, he got frustrated.  And discouraged.  And that was it.   Lego or no Lego, he was done with cycling.  Which is not to say that I could not have been more persistent.  I could have been.  But just kinda didn't make a priority I guess.  Bad dad.

But now it's a new season! And JJ is bound and determined to get them both riding this summer!  And as for Gabriel, he is sporting a new confidence these days.  I wish I could attribute it to parenting but I honestly think a lot of it is coming from his school. Where his old school was tearing him down, these guys are building him up.  Helping him believe he can do anything. An example of this confidence?  A couple of weeks ago, we are swimming in a friend's pool.  There's a diving board.  Into the deep end.  He had never jumped off a diving board before.  Not only did he want to try, but  after getting me to spot for him the first time, he was like "don't touch me dad! I can jump in and swim to the side myself!"  And then he was swimming to the bottom of the pool! I mean, look at this kid!

So I had reason to hope that maybe we were going to get there.  Off we went to Canadian Tire to get Gabe a new bike, while Emmett gets his old bike, and secure a commitment from both boys to give it 100 tries each (in exchange for...you guessed it...Lego!!!! Emmett wants some too!!!) then, Canada Day, we are off to the track!  The track!  Brilliant, right!? Not too hard to pedal over, like grass is, but not as hard as cement if you fall!  Brilliant! 

And how did it go?  Emmett tried his heart out.  Almost got it.  He would have kept trying too, except that poor old dad somehow tweaked his back bending over and holding the seat.   Aging!  So much fun! "We have to stop now, Emmett, because Daddy can no longer bend..."

And Gabe?  Well, see for yourself!  Commence video!

Too easy indeed.  One down!

JJ out!

For Sparta!!!!!!....Derp

Halloo, Internet!  I am back!  Happy Canada Day to you!  Guess what I did last weekend?  Well, here's a hint..read the sign in the picture.  Yep...the "Spartan Race"!

Triathlon

Aargh! Owie!

Well, Internet, this past weekend I, your faithful servant, had a running-type event.  But not just running-type! Cycling too!  Plus swimming!  That's right!  It was a triathlon!  Only my second one!  And first in about 7 years! As triathlons go, it wasn't that long.  750 metre swim, 30 km bike and 7.5 km run.  But long enough, right?  In Binbrook! Outside of Hamilton. Steeltown!

Sex Toys...Silent Killer?!

Excuse me, ma'am...whuuutt???

Howdy Inty! How do you like that headline? Good, right?  Just like your local news station, right?  "Stay tuned! Coming up, what you need to know!" Right?

You into the sex toys at all, Inty?  Well, me neither!  Missionary position only! Right!?  And who left those lights on!? Right!?

Well not withstanding my extreme prudishness, I am partial to listening to Dan Savage's Lovecast.  It's a podcast. About sexytime!  He answers questions!

Well, he had a guest on the other day. Jennifer Pritchett, owner of "Smitten Kitten" a sex-type store in Minneapolis. 

And what was she there to talk about?  Sex toys, of course!  She also talks about them on the shop's own website:



Look.  You can watch it or not.  Or you can watch it and say "Whatevs! Just some small joint in Minny!  Who cares!?"

But of course there is also this Greenpeace study in the Netherlands that says basically the same thing.  Except that that study doesn't contain the eyewitness evidence of the "sweating" sex toys.  And the references to "burning and irritation". (Yikes!)

You don't want to look at either one?  That's fine! Coles Notes summary!:  a lot of Jelly-type sex toys contain up to 50% pthalates.  "Pthallates"? What der heck is that, you may be asking.  Well, pthalates are a substance the has been banned in a lot of childrens toys.  Why? Well, because:

In common with BPA, phthalates are endocrine disruptors. They can upset normal hormonal balance in our bodies, stimulate the growth and development of cancers (breast, uterine, prostate), impair fertility, and disrupt pregnancy.
Other illnesses are now being associated with exposure to phthalates, including heart disease, behavioral problems in children and asthma.

Yes!  That is exactly what people should be putting inside their bodies!!  Now I know, I know.  You are saying "But JJ, how could such a thing happen in either the US or Canada, countries with so many consumer safeguards?"  Well, sex toys are classified as "novelty" items, and not regulated at all.  So your next question, I am sure, is "Well, even if its an unregulated industry, can't we rely on industry not to try and get us to purchase items that may poison people?"  I know, right!? (Takes drag from cigarette) That is usually foolproof, but in this one instance, doesn't seem to have worked.   

So Inty, if you ever DO consider buying one of these toys, maybe do like the lady says.  Maybe get something made from silicone - eschew the jelly.

Hard-hitting expose done!

JJ out!

Mother’s Day! – Sporting Life 10K!

Don’t try and click on that Donate button!  It won’t work!

Well hi, Internet.  How was your Mother’s Day?  Did you spend it with your mom, Tipper Gore?  I am certainly glad you dropped by! 

Mother’s Day! Happy day, right?  Well, I dunno.  I have to say, saying “Happy Mother’s Day” to a living person is a shitload better than saying it to a ceramic pot.  That you are not even in the same city as.  When that’s the case, Mother’s Day is just not quite the same.

Movie Review: Green Lantern!

Alright.  Probably not a “formal” review.  Maybe more of a synopsis?  

Anyways…here we go!

Hal Something-or-Other!  Played by Ryan Reynolds!  He’s a fighter pilot!  Brash!  Cocky! Positively Cruisian! (As in Tom Cruise!) He plays by his own rules! No matter what anyone says!

Then some alien dude crashes a spaceship on the ocean shore and this green blip goes and searches and “chooses” Hal.  That alien guy was dying and he was a “Green Lantern”! An intergalactic group of soldiers that protect the galaxy. Or maybe universe? Whatever.  Anyhoo, it chooses Hal to replace the alien guy as a Green Lantern!  So he fucks around with the ring for a while, and then he is transported to the Green Lantern base! Where he gets training!  To use his ring of power.  Which is controlled by “will”.  Like not a guy named “will”’ but your intention to do something “will”.  And then he meets fellow Lantern Sinestro! Who’s a big jerk to him! “You humans are too young, you suck, you shouldn’t be Green Lanterns, blah blah blah.” Stupid Sinestro! I hope Hal shows him, and then he totally respects Hal and all humans!  If only it could happen!

Now, apparently this band of extra-terrestrial coppers is led by a small group of super-intelligent, super-ancient beings.  You can tell they are smart because their heads are really big.  And these guys apparently stand around this circle all day and I guess just think about stuff. 

And there is a new threat to the galaxy (universe?)!  It’s this monster guy who was one of the smart beings but then went bad or something.  And instead of will, its' power comes from “fear”.  Like not the punk band “fear”, or even the Mark Wahlberg movie “fear” but “ohhhh, I’m scared, “fear”.  And he kinda looks like a great big blob.  I don’t know why he looks that way, he just does. 

So Sinestro is all “Hey, Bigheads! Let me take a team of Lanterns to go fight this guy!”

And the super smart guys are like “Okay”.

So Sinestro goes with his Lanterns and they all get their asses kicked by the blob guy.  So Sinestro comes back and says “Hey, Bigheads! That didn’t work! So now I want to go make, instead of a “will” ring, a “fear” ring.  This is the only way to defeat this blob thing!”

And the super smart guys are like “Okay, the ring of fear is in.  Full steam ahead.”

Sinestro goes off to make this new ring.  But then Hal learns a valuable lesson about why he is afraid or something so he goes to the ring of super smart guys and says “No! You can’t use that ring of fear.  It won’t work!”

And the super smart guys are like “Okay, the ring of fear is out.  All stop on the ring of fear.”

WTF, right? The smartest guys in the universe and all they do is agree with anything they are told!  Maybe they are super smart but super insecure so they are are just telling these guys what they want to hear?  Or maybe they are so smart that all it has done is allow them to realize there is still tons of shit they don’t know, so they are paralyzed with indecision?  Or maybe they just used prosthetics to make their heads look really big and they are actually dumb?  I don’t know. I am just telling you guys what happened.

Anyways, I won’t spoil the end of the movie for you.  You will have to see it if you want to know if Hal figures some way to defeat this big fear blob and earn Sinestro’s respect and save Earth and the galaxy (universe?).

Rating: Three Mehs.

JJ out!

The Run for the Jedi!

Well Inty, last weekend ole’ JJ ran another one of them “races” he is so fond of running.  His first “ten miler”.  Now, the ten miler is kind of a funny distance.  I would describe it as the “brunch” of runs.  It’s longer than a 10k (which would be representative of breakfast, in my brilliant analogy), but shorter than a half-marathon (lunch).  But like brunch, it’s delicious! If a run can be delicious?  Which it probably can’t because you don’t eat it?
Anyways.  My first one.  Now, you may be wondering “why is this post called “the run for the Jedi”?  Well, I will tell you. The way I figure it, if the Jedi ever had a running race, it would be a lot like the Angus Glen 10 Miler.  It was just so…civilized.  You know, like the Jedi.  With their “lightsabers” instead of laser type guns.  And robes!  Plus, the Jedi lived a long time ago, so they probably used the imperial system instead of metric. 
But why was it civilized?  Well, first it’s at a golf club. This one:

Fore! Get it?  Because it’s a golf club!

You go in, get your race kit and they give you, not your t-shirt, but your…jacket!  This one!
 

Sweeeeeeet…

And in the race kit? Aveeno products!.  Then they tell you that you can go get a locker in the change room.  And that’s what I do!  The Angus Glen hosted the Canadian Open some year and they named each locker after the pro who used it?  I guess? Anyways, this was mine!:

 

Luxury!

I have no idea who Wes Heffernan is.  But he is probably better at golf than I am.  And who cares!  Look at that locker!  The last time I ran a race I waited in the cold for 45 minutes trying to get my bag.  This time, I get my own locker.  With showers!:

Are those shampoo and conditioner dispensers?  You bet your booties!  I think the third one dispenses Bryl-Cream.

Then it’s time to line up for the start.  Here’s the start line!  It’s inflatable!:

“ I once ran a race…this long!!!!”  Or… “Behold!!!…the Starting Line!!!!”  I really am not quite sure what I was thinking here.

I am hustling up to the front when the gun goes off!  I miss the first wave of runners.  But that’s ok, I will go in the next wave starting in 2 minutes.  I get to the front of the group and wait.  And we are off!  And I am in the lead of of the second wave!  Awesome!  Exhilarating!  Cannot see anyone in front of me! Until I start to panic because I can’t see anyone in front of me and what if I am going the wrong way?  And worse, what if people are following me off the right track!!!??  And I become the pariah of the race!!?? “Thanks a lot, loser!!!!”  “You suck, jerk!” Ahhh! Too much pressure!!! Where are some volunteers!?  Or pylons!? Or something!?  But then I see the pylons! and the volunteers!  I was on the right track! Huzzah!

Almost 1km down, look at my super-duper awesome GPS watch, which tells me I am running at a 4:09/km pace.  Yikes! Too fast! Whoa boy, let’s take ‘er down a notch! Now, don’t get me wrong, I like to start out races fast, but I have learned the hard way about moderation.

Now on a good pace!  A beautiful course.  Just basically running along the golf cart paths.  The only issue?  As it’s a golf course, there are lots of ups and lots of downs.  None too big, but constant.  Up…down…up…down, with a few plateaus and valleys in between.  And I’ll tell you something I have not really noticed before:  A lot of people are not too good at running hills.  I mean, they can go up ‘em ok, but on the down?  Nope.  At least in my opinion.  Who knows, I could be doing it wrong.  But I saw tons of people slowing themselves down and keeping themselves completely under control on every down slope.  Man, how much energy does it take to do that?  Makes no sense! Just let gravity do the work!  Running lesson over!  You’re welcome!

Ok, maybe just one more.  Any of you kids out there, when you run your first race, the race organizers are probably going to urge you to put your hands up in celebration when you cross the finish line.  Now, there is nothing wrong with this whatsoever, and there are many pictures of people doing it that warm the cockles of my heart.  But me?  Just not my personality.  My first few runs I did do it, and I look less celebratory and more like someone has run out on the course and stuck a gun in my back.  So my piece of advice?  Either commit to it, or don't do it at all.  Just run across the line like you've been there before and will be again.  Ok, now I am REALLY done.

Anyways, keep running, keep running.  Nothing much else to report.  Except the last km.  I pass this guy.  I pass by a spectator who I guess is the significant other of this guy who yells some words of encouragement.  “Go, So and So, go!”  I can hear him behind me speeding up, energized by his cheering section.  Trying to pass me.  I get it.  I would have done the same thing.  And, I am all for cheering and it was very touching and all, but there was no way I was going  to let this guy pass me, if I could help it.  So I kicked it up a notch and ran away from the dude.  So, sorry for that, man.  Nothing personal. And, whatever,  I am sure he had a good finish time nonetheless. 

Finish the race and right to the shower.  Civilized!  And had a beer! Civilized! And then they have a buffet lunch!  Civilized!  With hot dogs and hamburgers! Kinda civilized!

And how did I do?  Well, keep in mind that the average age of the runners was 46 years old.  But ole’ JJ finished 23 out of about 400.  I’ll take that.  I will absolutely take that.  And I think I might just be back next year!

After the symbolic “Hanging of the Medal Off the Curtain Rod”!  Sorry you missed the ceremony! It was quite something!

JJ out!

Memories of The Capital

Generic Picture of Ottawa!



Well, Inty, last week ole' JJ was in O-town for a few days.  Yup, the old stomping grounds.  Lived there for just short of six years.  To paraphrase Neil Young: "A significant number of my changes were there." (Get it? You get it.)

My first 10k, 1/2 marathon, marathon, triathlon.  Met some absolutely incredible people.  Friends for life! Yes! Oui! Oui! Oui!  But the biggest thing (Obviously!) - both of my sons were born in Ottawa. G-man was five when we left, E-man, two.

Everytime I go back now, there's always moments of nostalgia.  Just too many firsts not to.  First steps, first words, first laughs, first skinned knees.  Etcetera!

One day in particular I keep thinking about.  No, not the time I was out boozing with my friend Ryan, where he took off his shirt while on the dance floor in some bar in the Byward Market and because I was drunk and thought it was funny (and probably if I looked close enough at the why there may have been some smallness there that I was jealous that he had the kind of body that he could do that, so lets not look any closer! Ugh!)  I took his shirt and threw it as far as I could and somebody caught it and this instant bucket line formed in front of my eyes except that instead of a bucket it was Ryan's tshirt and in about 5 seconds he had his tshirt back.  Man, I am still amazed by that. Toss! Pass pass pass pass pass, "here you go"...  But no, that's not what I think about!  What I think about is the spring of 2005.  March, I think.  Gabriel was a year and two months old. Ish.  At the stage where he could walk but was still shaky.  Here's a pic from around that time!

Still not totally steady on my feet, dad!

With the snow and ice on the ground, there was no place outside for Gabe to try out his new walking skills!  Especially in all the layers you have to put a one year old in! You know!? Michelin kid!

On this day, the sun was shining.  And warm.  But the ground was still covered in snow and ice.  So maybe still not time for Gabe to go for a stroll outside, but I can still take him for a walk in his stroller.  Give Momma a chance to nap!  Let's go!

Our apartment at the time was relatively close to Sussex Drive.  So we walked down there.  Where better on a spring day!  The canal! and the Ottawa River!  The Parliament Buildings!  Chateau Laurier! Ottawa might not be the most exciting city.  But man that part of it is so pretty.  Except for the paper mill on the Quebec side beside the Musuem of Civilization.  They got to get rid of that.  Eyyyyyeeeeessssore!  Ok, and the US Embassy.  The embassy itself, is maybe kind of cool (it's a submarine!) , but the oppressive security surrounding it leaves a bad taste in the mouth. 

And one other building.  This one:

Yes! The National Gallery! Except that the spider wasn't there yet!  Built in 1988, with a glass facade and a glass tower intended to mirror the Library of Parliament which sits opposite the Gallery across the Canal.  Is it pretty? I'm no Architect.  It could be the Nickelback of buildings, for all I know.  But to this layman, it seems pretty darn nice.  

  

The first time I was there? When I interviewed at the Department of Finance.  My friend Tim had made his case to me regarding the painting "Voice of Fire", by this dude, Barnett Newman.  Tim's view was that he figured it was a good piece of art and that the controversy surrounding the $1.8 million the Gallery spent on a painting of three vertical lines was unwarranted.  To which I eruditely responded "Voice of what?  By who? Controversy?"

Turns out, Tim wasn't fibbing!  It's true.  The Gov bought it in 1988. Paid lots!  People objected! Well, now it was kinda on my mind.  So when my interview with Finance ended and I still had 2 hours to get to the airport, what did I do?  To the Gallery!

Up O'Connor to Wellington! Down Wellington to Sussex!  Go go go!  Get there!  Man, I just rocked through that place searching and searching.  The sound of my dress shoes echoing around the cavernous white-wallled rooms.  Time ticking down... then turn a corner...Behold!

That dude's not me!  He's just for scale!

I dunno.  I kinda liked it.  But of course I am not an artist either so it may be the Nickelback of paintings (poor Nickelback...so butt of jokes..if only they had tons of dough to salve their wounds...).

Admired it for a minute, then time to go fly back to Winnipeg, a more learned man.

But anyhoo, that was 2002 and I am talking about 2005!

The Gabe and I roll up to Sussex Drive.  The glass facade reflecting the spring sun had melted the snow on the pavement beside the Gallery.  Outside walking...possible...? Yes!  Oh my goodness, Gabe, go to it!

Well, let me tell you, that boy teetered and tottered and laughed around that courtyard all morning.  And in that warm sunlight, and that beautiful laughter, beneath the hill where the bronze Champlain endlessly looked to his astrolabe, I swear I felt like no matter what, everything was going to turn out ok.  Whatever that meant.  But it was there.  Just a perfect moment. 

 

JJ Goes to White Castle!

Hello Internet! Nice to see you!

I was thinking just today about the sole time I have ever been to the restaurant "White Castle".  Of course, like any cool dude, I had wanted to go since the first time I had seen "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle".  An epic journey made for the sole reason of getting some tiny hamburgers from a restaurant?  Don't I owe it to myself to see what these little burgers taste like?  But, alas, there's no White Castles in Canada!  So when would I ever get the chance?

Well, Internet, that's a good question!  Let me tell you a fateful story!  Of a fateful trip! (But not a three hour tour.  Get it!?  Get it!?)

"Jimmy"

Mandeville Street, next right.

Well, Internet, I know it's hard to believe, but JJ was young once.  Just a pup.  In elementary school, JJ had a friend, Jimmy.  Was a long time ago now.  But there was a period when he and I were really good friends.  I think around 10 years old-12 years old? 

Office Door! Plus Being Called a Sperm!

This picture has nothing to do with anything...except rock and roll, that is! Kabam!

The Wolsely Elm - "One Great City, I mean Elm!"

Beep! Beep! Outa the way, tree! Trying to drive without my seatbelt here!

While smoking! And drinking! And pregnant!

Well hello, Internet.  Just sitting here wondering if you have heard of the "Wolsely Elm".  No?  Well, ole' JJ, storyteller that he is, is gonna tell you about it.  Now, anybody else reading this may have heard the story of the Wolsely Elm on the Vinyl Cafe on CBC.  And of course, ole' JJ is not trying to compete with Stewie McLean on the story-telling front.  The guy could bring tears to the eyes telling you about Marley cutting her toenails or some such.  "It was a hangnail, she thought..."

The world According to JJ (JJ!)....plus...Capitalism

Well, Internet JJ (JJ!)'s gotta apologize.  I don't really want to talk no politics.  Why? Well, to a large extent because JJ.  Just. Ain't. That. Smart.  I am happy to let the smart folks figurafy on this stuff.  But the "occupy such and such" folks seem to really have put some bees in some bonnets.  Makes one just want to talk about how they feel. In a rambling, nonsensical rant!

Winter Concert

"Let me win, but if I cannot win, let me be brave in the attempt."

That's the oath (motto?) of the Special Olympics.  Or at least it was.  Go on their website, and it's not there.  So maybe it's not the oath (motto?) anymore.  But it was.  I have to say there is something that doesn't sit too well with ole' JJ about that oath (motto?).

I mean, doesn't it sound a little "ohhh, you're disabled! That's so terrible! But you are trying to do this sport anyways! You're so brave! Brings tears to my eyes that you can even get out of bed, you poor thing!" Condescending, I guess.

Nostalgia

That's Coldplay's video for Strawberry Swing.  Yes, it's super creative and original and Chris whatshisface is super cool and "dreamy" and Gwyneth Paltrow appears to be some sort of super entitled egomaniacal nutjob and blah blah blah.  But I don't want to talk about any of that!  In fact, don't even watch the video!  Or open another window on Gwyneth's "Goop" website to experience her nutjobbidity! (And no I am not going to link to Goop,  I am sure you can figure out how to get there.)  Just listen to the song1

This song has to be the most nostalgia inducing song I have ever heard.  Even more than "Cat's in the Cradle"! The Ugly Kid Joe version! Or "Night Moves" by Bob Seger.  Which song I actually don't find nostalgia-inducing at all, because its about how Bob's high school experience was all about driving around in his car and having sex with women, while JJ's high school experience involved pretty much all walking and awkward-soul-crushing-if a third party were to observe they would cringe-interaction with the opposite sex. 

Oh, but this song!  Takes me right back to childhood!  Time spent with family!  And what in particular?  Well, surprise surprise, something to do with strawberries.  Although not swings.

You ever go to one of these pick your own berry places?  I haven't in years. But when I was a young pup, My parents would gather the three of us up and head...North?...Maybe?...No idea, really.  Somewhere outside the city, anyways.

Sledding!

Hi Internet!  Sorry I've been out of touch!  Internet issues!  All solved now!  Thanks to Rogers! (Not thanks to Rogers.)

Ok! I didn't take this pic and its totally not Toronto but its so nice! Am I right? I'm right.

Well, a couple of Sundays ago was a beautiful day here in Hogtown.

Snow on the ground, sun in the sky. 

Lets go sledding!  Who wants to go? "Me dad!" "Me dad!"

Ok, lets go! "Come on, mama!"

A great hill just to the North of us.  Throw sleds in car and head over.  Boys so excited.  Good times!

The Gabe is first to go down.  Good run!  Phew! I was kind of nervous! Why, you might ask?

Well, when JJ was still just a young pup (i.e. 26 ish) he went "night skiing" with then girlfriend, Roxy.  What's night skiing?  Well, I guess I don't rightly know generally, but what it was this night was Roxane's friend's boyfriend's employer renting this ski hill for the evening.  There was no bar, but you could bring your own alcohol and drink it in the...chalet?...clubhouse?...whatever that building where you sit in is called. I am not much of a skier. ( no duh!)  Can you still do that these days?  I dunno.  In retrospect sounds a little liability inducing.  But that's the way they rolled!

And where is this ski hill?  Well, it's a little North of the 'Peg. "Springhill!"  I am not sure, but I think its like on a dried up riverbed? So the ski "hill" is actually just the slope down to a once existent river.  The ski lift?  It's actually a tow rope.  You just grab it and it pulls you up the hill.  So not exactly Blackcomb.   Not that I am complaining! I had never skied before!  And it was nighttime!  And we were drinking! We don't need to ski K2 here!

OK. Stage set.  We arrive and rent our skis.  The dude behind the counter asks us if we are novices. Yes we are.  "Ok, then I am going to recommend that you don't take poles, because it's easier as a beginner to ski without them." I have no idea whether this is true, it's just what the dude said.  Who am I, Steve Podborski?

Got our skis, no poles needed - let's hit the mountain!

There we are, the four of us.  Roxane, me, and her friend and boyfriend.  But who will go first?  Roxy, as was (doubtless still is) her nature says "I'll go first!"

She heads down the hill....  Look.  JJ doesn't know much about downhill skiing.  Virtually nothing, really.  But one thing JJ does know?  You don't go straight down the hill.  You gotta criss cross.  Roxane?  No criss cross.  Have you ever seen that "speed skiing" sport?  Where they head straight down the hill, trying to go as fast as possible?  Well, I hadn't at the time, but when I later did, I said to myself : "I have seen this before."

Roxane is heading straight down the hill.  Flying down the hill.  Am amazed at how fast!  Gets to the bottom of the hill.... You know those movies where an asteroid hits the earth? Well, same thing.  SKA-DOOSH!!!! Can't even see her. Completely obscured by a massive cloud of snow.  The three of us still at the top pull our eyes from the carnage to look at each other wide-eyed, then hurry down the hill.  Cautiously.  Criss cross!

"Roxane! Are you ok?" 

"Yes, I am fine!  Just a good wipe out!"  Phew.  That's lucky!  Let's head over to the tow rope and go again!

We are making our way towards the tow rope, when Roxane turns to me and says "oh, wait, I have to go back, I forgot my poles."

"Honey, we didn't get poles remember? Because we're beginners?"

"Oh, right, right."

Ok.  No problem.  Get to the top of the hill.  "Has anyone seen my poles?"

"Honey, we didn't get poles remember? Because we're beginners?"

"Oh, right, of course.  But where are my poles? And why does my shoulder hurt so much?"  Huh boy, this ain't good. 

"Hon, why don't we maybe head over to the chalet for a little bit?"

Now, by now, Internet, you have probably figured out what was going on.  Yes, she was concussed.  And had a sprained shoulder.  But don't worry! We did everything properly.  By which I mean we continued to drink and ski for the next couple of hours, then went home and went to bed.  Textbook treatment, really.

Anyways, the point is, the first trip down the hill can be treacherous!

Back to now!

Look Momma! No tears! Yet!

Gabe is at the bottom of the hill, staring up at us.  Now it's momma and E-man's turn on the two person inflatable double innertube-y thing we bought last year but didn't get a chance to use. 

Push off and start sliding! So much fun! The tube turns sideways. Like some sort of bizarre gravitational pull, the sled starts to alter course.  Directly towards the Gabe. 

Up at the top of the hill, time slows down to a crawl, the sled is moving in slow-motion.
"Gabriel! Get out of the way! Move!"

The Gabe:

"Momma! Steer or something!"

Momma:

SKA-DOOSH!

Note: Not a picture of the actual collision.  Artist's rendering.

I initially thought I saw skulls colliding.  Back to concussion city!  Sprint down the hill to survey the carnage.  But no! Everyone still conscious!  Only a slightly bleeding nose for the Gabe.  Plus tears.  And strained hand ligaments for momma with a hand that is about twice the size as it is normally.  E-man?  "Let's go again! Let's go again!"

But everyone recovers! Let's keep going!  The inflatable makes it down about two more times before mysteriously puncturing itself and completely deflating.  I blame Loblaws. 

So we have to share a sled.  "But it's my turn! Wahhhh!"

E-man: "Cheese!" G-man: "I wish you would get off my sled, E-man."

Then E-man's leg's get tired. "Carry me up the hill!!" 

"Oh, you're tired?  Well, maybe we should go."

 "But I don't wannnnaaaa goooooo.....!!!  Wahhhh!!!"

Later, after we drag them away: "So.  Did you guys have a good time sledding?"

"Yeah dad. That was the best time ever! When can we do it again!?"

Guest Blogger: Gabriel! - How I like my new school!

Well, JJ's talked about the trials and tribulations of navigating the school system with his favourite eight year old here, here and here, where it ended with us switching to a new school and a special class designed for kids with Asperger's and autism.  Thought maybe an update was in order.  But why should I tell you about it when you can hear it from the horse's mouth, so to speak!  So, without further adieu, please welcome guest blogger...Gabriel!

Hi! I like the city in this picture, I have no idea why though.  It's true, even though its in the United States and I'm in Canada.

My School is Kensington.  It's a really good school because you learn a lot in there.  I am very happy to go there.  I had lots of friends at Humewood but I am learning better at Kensington.  My favourite thing about Kensington is that we get free choice.  That's when you play.  It's like free time.  What else do I like? Mostly everything.  And swimming's really good too. (Editor's note: the school has a pool! I know, right?  They go swimming twice a week!) 

Lookit! I'm a sock puppet.  (Editor's note: Sorry, we got distracted. Looks like that's it.)

GJ (and JJ) out!!

The Legend of Limpy

What up? Mind if I poop?

Warning: if you love mice, this entry may not be for you!

Hellloo! Internet!  Been a few days.  Been thinking about mice.  And my encounters with the little critters.  For instance!  The wife's aunt's cottage.  We were up there one summer and the place was INFESTED with mice.  You would see (and hear!) them running across the floor all the time.  And their little toxic poopoos were everywhere.  We head to the local store and buy the mouse traps they have...the old style wooden ones, with the wire snapper.  We set them up.  Smear peanut butter on the trigger.  We're set. Go to bed.  Wake up the next day and check the traps.  No PB, no mouse.  Little effers.  Off to Riverton to get more effective soltion.  We pick up these plastic traps.  They look less lethal than the wire and wood ones, but let's give them a try.  Go back to the cabin and set them up.  Not five minutes later..."snap!" Not five minutes after that..."snap!" And so on, and so on and so on! It's a mouse massacre!

Ottawa! Suburbs!

You're under arrest.

So a couple of weeks ago the fam and I headed to the nation's capital.  Besides attending Doc Zhivago's going away party, we also headed to Barhaven, a suburb of Ottawa, to hang out with an old friend of the wife's, her husband and their kids.  (Quick side note: their last name is Heffernan.  We were over at their place in Winnipeg a few years ago, while we were both living there.  I called her husband "Doug".  Which is not his name.  But does happen to be the name of the main character on "The King of Queens".  Doh. I wondered at the time why he looked at me quizically. If you ever read this, Rob...Sorry, man.)

Anyhoo, they invite another couple over.  The husband is an RCMP fella.  Very nice guy.  Didn't try to pepper spray us once!  Just kidding.  Just a little leftist humour there.  He was really nice.  Pretty boring job, though.  He teaches other officers how to fight terrorists. 

Anyhoo (again with the anyhoo! which reminds me, a partner was reviewing something I wrote the other day and said something I wrote was a bit "colloquial"! So I said "what?, it's not like said "ain't"! Or that's what I would have said if I had had any idea of what colloquial meant at the time - "informal!")

The point of my story.  So I say: "did you know any of those poor Mounties that were killed in Mayerthorpe?"

"I knew one....but I was stationed there when I started.  And I knew murderer guy.  He was one bad dude.  His brother charged him with something.  In the court room he attacked his brother so I had to choke him out in my red serge."

So I was like "I totally know what that's like.  The other day I was searching through this document to make sure I had covered all the defined terms...." 

Ok, I didn't really say that. But I might have if I had thought of it then instead of a couple of hours later.  Duh.

Later the bad guy bear sprayed his brother in a bar in front of the whole town.  No witnesses. 

Bonus Post! How I Spent my Summer Vacation: The Kia Parts!

Ok,

A couple of other awesome things happened during the summer "vacation".  The car above is ours.  Well, it's the same kind, colour and year, anyways.  This one looks a lot better than ours does.  Why is that? Two reasons.

As I pointed out in my last post, while in Winnipeg this summer, we stayed at the mother-in-law's.  The place has an undergroud parking garage where we parked while we there.  I had to go to work a couple of the days right after we arrived and one of these days Janelle and the boys came to pick me up.  I hop in the car.  But the wife is acting kinda weird.  "Is everything ok?" I ask.

"Yes."

Luckily for me, Tattle-Dum and Tattle-Dee are sitting in the back seat.  "Daaad, Mommy crashed the car!"

"Hon?" I say...

Yes, turns out  one of the cement pillars in the unfamiliar parking garage had jumped out at the last second and scraped the side of the car. 

Which sucks major ass.

"It's ok, hon," the magnanimous JJ says. "could have happened to anyone.."  Foreshadowing!

Smash cut to JJ off to Arborg with newly installed donut.  Hearing this faint weird noise.  "Tink-bonk.  Tink-tink-bonk. Tink-bonk."

What could it be?  Well, probably has something to do with the gravel road.  Probably nothing.  Pull on to the highway, and it's more noticable now.  Stop beside the highway in the dark.  Walk around the car.  What's there?

Well, to tell you that, I gotta tell you this:

The spare tire on the Kia is beneath the car.  There is a cable with a metal stopper thingy on the end.  To get the donut, you let the cable out.  Then turn the stopper thingy and the donut comes off.  Then you just retract the cable.  Easy peasy.  But take JJ's advice, don't forget to retract the cable. 

Yes, I had forgotten to retract the cable.  The metal stopper thingy had been dragging on the ground, ricocheting up and smashing into my rear bumper.  Over and over again.  The damage?  The bumper is sort of ok, but looks like it has been repeatedly bitten by a squirrel. 

Which sucks major ass. 

So that's the story of the Kia's summer vacation.

Vroom! Vroom!